Welcome to the first edition of The Briefcase, your weekly dispatch from the world of numbers, nuance and, occasionally, nonsense.
This week we’re stepping into the daily realities of accountants: the good, the bad, and the laughably frustrating.
Because if you’ve ever mistaken your accountant for a magician with a spreadsheet, you might just be guilty of one of these…
1. Ask Them to Work for Free
"Hey, mate, since you’re good with numbers… mind sorting my tax return?”
Accountants love numbers, but not when those numbers add up to £0.
Just because Dave from No. 42 once lent you a strimmer and grilled you a sausage at his BBQ doesn’t mean he wants to do your books for free.
Would you ask a plumber to fix your toilet just because you made them a sandwich? Exactly.
2. Expense a Yacht
Claiming business dinners on your personal card is bad enough. But some take it to superyacht levels.
Reddit and other forums are full of horror stories about absurd expense claims: from child support payments, lingerie, and a "traction unit,” which turned out to be a device for, let’s just say… extending what nature provided.
Our personal favourite? A $750,000 yacht claimed by a landlocked real estate office.
3. Assume They Work for Evil Billionaires
No, most accountants aren’t laundering money for villains with private islands.
Yes, tax scandals make the news. But most finance professionals? They’re helping businesses stay afloat, preventing fraud, building ethical frameworks, and making sure the books reflect reality.
They’re watchdogs. Not henchmen.
4. Complain About Their Communication… While Ghosting Them
The client who replies to nothing is always the one who wants everything yesterday.
If you’ve ignored five emails, two phone calls, and a carrier pigeon, don’t act shocked when your urgent request doesn’t get a same-day turnaround.
Being organised works both ways...
5. Make Them the Bad Guy
Sometimes, accountants have to say "no.”
- No, you can’t call that fireman’s pole a capital investment.
- No, paying your niece in cash doesn’t make her an "external contractor.”
- No, your CEO’s "clever” tax plan is actually just tax fraud.
They’re not the fun police; just trying to keep you out of tax man’s interrogation room.
6. Pretend to Know More Than Them
Everyone thinks they know accounting. Only a few truly do.
We love it when someone says, "Well my mate Ian reckons if you pay in cash, VAT doesn’t apply.” That’s not how anything works, Ian.
And no, your profit isn’t just "what’s left in the bank.”
7. Assume We Know Everything
Tax is complex. Ridiculously so. If you corner an accountant and ask about a niche inheritance tax clause from 2012, don’t be surprised if they need to look it up.
That’s what CPD is for. And bookmarks. And Google.
And while we’re at it, not all of us are Excel wizards. Some of us still Google how to use XLOOKUP. And that’s fine.
Final Thoughts
Accounting isn’t just tax returns and timesheets.
From public service to corporate strategy, accountants are embedded in every industry. They carry a lot; not just numbers, but responsibility, risk, and the expectations of every client, employer, and friend who "just has a quick question.”
So next time you see one at a BBQ, skip the free advice request. Offer them a drink instead. We promise it’ll go down better than your yacht receipts.
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